Wow, five months since my last update. A lot has changed. I have changed. Doing great with my contacts, looking good and losing weight. Getting a new apartment with Denise. Oh....Denise. My beautiful bride to be. She is funny, intelligent, caring, beautiful, and MINE. Met online, and this time she lives near me!! First date we sat in my car for three hours and just talked after the movie. Just talked. It was amazing. I didn't want to believe that something would happen. Been burned too many times. I was on the verge of sabotaging myself when I said fuck it and just went for it. I am more than glad I did. We are moving in together in April, and I plan to propose soon after. We are also having a baby. Yes, you heard correctly, I am breeding. MUAHAHAHA! We just found out last weekend, she should be due around, guess when....Halloween. *grins* I want to thank all of you for being here for me. You always supported me and kicked me in the ass when I needed it. *grins* I will announce when the wedding is and you are all invited if you can make it. I will also post pictures of my spawn for you. Well, that is all for now. See you around, kiddos.

So, since my last report I have gotten contacts, made some life style changes (lost 5lbs since the beginning of this month WITHOUT exercise), become more impulsive. I've stopped worrying so much and am now just living my life. I love my friends, and I love myself. Getting a new apartment next year, which will be fun, and also looking into scholarships and grants for school. I have also begun my book, the story of my life. The title? Grateful When The Autumn Lingers. Starting from my somewhat interesting childhood and ending with my hopes and expectations for the future. It will be an amazing book when I finish, I hope you all will read it. So, in closing, the good times have finally arrived for me. Thank you all for staying with me through thick and thin. You mean more to me than my poor words could ever express. I love you all.

....what is wrong with me? Why is it that no one wants me. Or is it just the people I do want don't want me? Then why is it on my last date she just up and leaves. Doesn't say a word. Just leaves. No reasoning, we were talking, having a good conversation and she stands up and walks out. No number, no see you later. Am I that horrible a person? There is someone who has expressed interest in me and then decides to shut down emotionally and leaves me out in the cold with my heart open. Why? Am I hideous to behold? Is there some sin I have yet to attone? Please tell me what I must do. The rest of my life is fine, it always is, but is there no love for me? No one to have and to hold, to lie in bed with and just talk about nothing? I am waiting...how much longer do I suffer?

With my birthday approaching at the end of this month, many people are now asking me "What would you like for your birthday?" That question is both simple and complex in it's eloquence. I want to be happy. That is not something found upon the shelves of your local market. What I want is something no one can give me. I want happiness in my life. What is happiness to me? Personally it is that special someone to share my life with. My hopes and dreams, my fears and nightmares. That is not something anyone can give to me it would seem. I have searched and longed and suffered alone my trials. For all my questing alas, I am still so alone. I give up, I withdraw my request for love and shackle my heart. What use is it if I have no reason for it? So before you ask me what I want, ask yourself: can you give me what I truly want?

I don't know how to tell you this, but I've developed feelings for you. You'll never read this, and I will probably never tell you. I want to love you, because this isn't love yet. It could, one day, be love. I care deeply for you, I want to see you smile and happy. Remember how you asked me why I kept laughing and shaking my head while we were bowling? It's because when you turned and looked at me with that smile...I thought I was going to break. It is kind of hard to feel like this, knowing you're not ready for a relationship and that I need more than you can give. I know I'm never going to find anyone, I will have to come to terms with the fact that anyone I would like to have a relationship with...it just doesn't work. I want you to know that I would do anything to be the person that makes you smile like that. That it would make me so happy just to hang out with you. It will be painful, and I'll hurt like hell, but I'm not going to run away. I'm going to be here for you.